Perfectly Imperfect Mom

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Adoption | Ashlyn | life

The Story of Our Girls: Traveling to Cali & Ashlyn’s Birth

May 29, 2016

If you are new here and want to start from the beginning of The Story of Our Girls go HERE.

When Ashlyn’s due date was a week away we planned to fly out to California. We knew this was our best shot at getting to be at her birth. I was super stressed before leaving because I had never left Ace longer than a weekend and we really only left him with my cousins or sister. 
Branden’s Mom was kind enough to come down to stay with Ace so he could be in his own home and we would have someone to take care of the dogs. We also didn’t know how long we would be in California so this just made the most sense. 
By this time things were getting tense, our daughters bio Mom had an awful OBGYN and the day before we were to fly out she basically told her she somehow wasn’t as dilated or effaced as she was the week before. We both were upset. I felt horrible for her because this doctor was so disrespectful to her because she was placing Ashlyn for adoption. 
After we talked I had a meltdown. I was worried about being in California for weeks and being away from Ace, I was worried about whether we should stay home and change our flight and chance missing Ashlyn’s birth or just go and possibly be waiting another week or two in California for Ashlyn to get here. No answer really felt right. I called my friend Christel in tears. She basically suggested just going to California because chances are the baby would come within the week. Branden also wanted to just go because changing our flights could end up being a bigger hassle and we may miss Ashlyn’s birth. This was also difficult because I was pregnant and extra hormonal so it wasn’t like I could even be logical about it all. Looking back Ace was going to be fine here with his Grammy and we would have been fine spending some extra time just us in California. That is probably my one regret was not being able to fully enjoy the week before Ashlyn was born because I was so stressed. 
We flew into California on October 11th. We met up with Ashlyn’s bio Mom and had lunch. We both were so excited to see each other. We talked about the kids and how she was feeling and how I was feeling. We also went over to her house and hung out and looked at pictures of her when she was a baby. After awhile we went back to our hotel and passed out. The time change made it really hard to adjust. 
I honestly don’t really remember much about what we did that weekend. I know we were too freaked out to go to Disneyland in case Ashlyn decided to make an appearance. We did drive around the PCH but really that weekend was a blur for me. 
Tuesday was an OBGYN visit and the new Doctor was amazing. He schedule an induction date (something the other doctor would not even consider). He didn’t think she would make it to the induction date which was the following Monday I think but we had it in there as a just in case. He understood the situation and was very sweet. This man was the right doctor for our daughters first Mommy. 
Another one of our friends came into town to be with all of us during Ashlyn’s birth but mostly for Ashlyn’s bio Mom, knowing this was going to be a very difficult event. We all spent time together and then Thursday we met up for lunch. Branden and I were supposed to go view the hospital after lunch so they went to the store and walking to try to coax Ashlyn out. 
Later that night I was feeling very overwhelmed. I missed Ace so much and I didn’t think Ashlyn was ever coming. Branden and I went to a pier and walked around and he tried to keep my mind off the stress. I ended up breaking down and crying that night over everything. I barely slept. 
Then early in the morning, maybe 5am I get the call! Ashlyn is on her way. I jump out of bed and start getting ready really quickly and wake Branden up. We probably didn’t need to be up and out of there so early but I felt like I needed to be there. Like it was wrong for us to just stay at the hotel and wait for there to be any progress. Now looking back I wonder if it would have been better for us to have given Ashlyn’s bio Mom some more time to just get in the hospital and have some alone time. 
We grabbed some breakfast let family know and got to the hospital bright and early. Ashlyn’s bio Mom was in labor and delivery and we all basically just hung out for the day for Ashlyn to make her arrival. 
Branden and I decided to grab lunch at one point thinking it would still be a few more hours. Of course right before we finished lunch I got a text saying she was at 10cm but to not rush. I didn’t even read the second part and bolted out of the cafeteria and text them we were coming. Then I read the whole thing and they said not to rush they still needed to get the room ready. 
After they were all ready for Ashlyn’s bio Mom to push I started having a minor panic attack. My mind was racing. I wanted to make sure I got video and pictures of the moment Ashlyn is laid on her first Mommy’s tummy and them together. That’s all I could think about. I needed that for Ashlyn and for her First Mommy. The person who is giving me this amazing child. After pushing for a bit the doctor said Ashlyn was sunny side up and had to turn her. He did that and she came right out. I will never forget seeing her little face for the first time. She had the chubbiest little cheeks and seriously the cutest face. She was the most perfect little newborn. 

I still can not explain those feelings from that day. My heart could have exploded but also broke into a million pieces all at once. It was the definition of bitter sweet. To watch my friend hand her daughter to me and call me her Mommy still to this day makes me feel like the most honored person in the world. For her to trust me with this person she loves so much because she knew I was meant to be her Mommy is unbelievable. Seeing her look at her from across the room when I was putting a headband on her head and knowing she was hurting broke my heart. That moment is forever engraved in my mind. I never want to forget these moments because I want Ashlyn to know she loves her so much. She wanted her more than she will ever understand but made the biggest sacrifice she will ever have made. 
Then I watched my husband hold Ashlyn and there was nothing like it. He bonded with her instantly. Nothing was different from his bond with Ace and Everly after their births. It was incredible. I didn’t know if it would be the same for him but it was. 

 

If you want to read a more detailed post about Ashlyn’s birth story you can HERE
Stay tuned for the rest of our time in California.
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